cleveland cagers

**DISCLAIMER - - - this journal bounces from one subject to another, thereapos;s no connection whatsoever from any of the topics to another. Itapos;s just where my mind goes when Iapos;m tired. :) ***

....I just wanna do something lifethreatening. Like skydive or drive my car recklessly fast. Donapos;t ask me why, because I�donapos;t know. I just want to get away from Radford, go live somewhere exotic for like a year, and do something crazy and really dangerous and live through it. Of course, thereapos;s the off chance that I wonapos;t live through it, and thatapos;ll kind of defeat the purpose, but itapos;s whatever. Honestly, Iapos;ve got nothing in this world for me, my home here is temporary. Please please PLEASE donapos;t misinterpret this and think that Iapos;m suicidal and all that...Iapos;m NOT. I love life. But it wouldnapos;t bother me if I died, because Iapos;m secure in what will happen to me after that. Iapos;m rambling and just digging a deeper hole, so Iapos;ll just stop now.

Moving on. I�love worship. More specifically, I�love to lead worship. Even more specifically, I�love to lead worship by example. My favorite thing to do is just to sit at the piano and play a song and sing it. Just me. Itapos;s the way I worship. I love to be a member/leader of a team and all that, but when itapos;s just me, I�can really get serious and sing TO�God and not have to worry about whether or not the drummer will get the cue to end the song or the singers will find the right harmony on the bridge. Itapos;s me, a piano, and the Lord of Hosts. Iapos;m doing what I was created to do (worship Him) in the way that I love to do it (music).� The best feeling in the world is when Iapos;m singing to Him and Iapos;m so lost in worship that I�canapos;t even sing anymore. Iapos;m so overcome with His presence that I canapos;t produce a sound other than moving my fingers along the keys. That happened tonight at Chi Alpha. Itapos;s so awesome, I love the feeling.

Iapos;m confused on a partiular subject right now. I hate this subject, Iapos;m completely opposed to it, and I canapos;t live without it. I canapos;t stand it, I wish God would just reveal it to me.

So at retreat this weekend, Brad (the speaker) talked about Godapos;s will for your life. So I asked God what He wanted from my life. He told me, but in a general sort of sense. Which is awesome, I mean, what He told me was really powerful and I was weeping for a while about it. But specifically? I got nothinapos;. I really want to know what Iapos;m supposed to do with my degree, who Iapos;m supposed to marry, IF Iapos;m supposed to marry, where Iapos;m supposed to live, etc. I donapos;t like not knowing. I donapos;t wanna play the guessing game anymore. I just want to know. Iapos;ve heard of people called to be single (other than nuns...), and to be honest, Iapos;d be fine with that. Thatapos;s not to say that I want to be called to single-ness, because I�donapos;t. Iapos;d like to be married at some point. But I know that I would be content with whatever�God has for me, including remaining single for the rest of my life. But thatapos;s just one of the areas that I need clarification on. The other main one being what will I do with the rest of my life?�I have no idea. I know that wherever I end up, I will be either leading worship somewhere or at least beon the team. Itapos;s too much a part of me to NOT be present in my future. Wherever�I go, people will ask me to be in leadership over something. Thatapos;s the way God wired me. Whatever, Iapos;m sleepy, and not coherent, so Iapos;m gonna go to sleep.

Sorry this was so random......

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